Vomit on Tropicana and Gatorade

I'm officially boycotting Tropicana and Gatorade (I'd boycott all of Pepsico, but I think Pepsi is way better than Coke, and I feel like Pepsico is one of those huge companies that is part of everything without us even knowing it...like, my blog is probably a product of Pepsico for all I know).

Why?

Because this kind of advertisement (which is passed-off on the official women's tennis WTA tour website as a news article) is so lame it gets my "Vomit on" distinction, which I'm thinking about making a regular thing for things I think are vomit-worthy:

"Russian megastar Maria Sharapova has signed with Gatorade and Tropicana, becoming the first ever International Tennis Ambassador to promote healthy hydration and nutritional habits to consumers around the world."

That is just the lamest thing I've ever heard. Actually, I did watch CNN early this morning, so it's probably just the lamest thing I've heard this afternoon, but still.

They make her out to be, like, the Greek goddess of hydration, and even say that she'll be going on a global tour to promote healthy hydration. If Sharapova is sleepless over the plight of the world's poorly-hydrated, then maybe she should consider championing clean drinking water infrastructure and distribution campaigns -- something tells me Gatorade Wildberry Fierce is not the solution to the world's hydration needs.

The article goes on to talk about how "PepsiCo is committed to offering options for every beverage occasion" and quotes Maria as saying: "fruit and fruit juices also play an important role in my balanced diet. Tropicana makes it easy to bring vitality and nutrition to my day."

Vomit.

"Drinking orange juice every morning is one of the healthiest habits anyone can adopt."

Isn't that a bit hyperbolic? And what is a "beverage occasion," anyway? I can only think of a few examples of occasions structured around the drinking of a beverage (communion, wedding toasts, and frathouse binge drinking competitions) and I don't think PepsiCo offers options for any of them, as they're all alcoholic.

Who knows, maybe if Sharapova's campaign is really successful, the Vatican will come out in favour of red Gatorade over red wine during communion. In fact, the Vatican could probably get a joint endorsement deal with Pepsico and Nabisco and start marketing Fig Newtons as the new Eucharist -- they kind of seem fleshier than those brittle little wafers, anyway.

According to this article, Fig Newtons provide better energy to athletes than sports bars, so Sharapova could even get-in on it!

VC