My AMAZING Exercise Pheromones

Ok I am totally not someone who has people just come up to him and hit on him randomly on the street, but the only three times in my life it's happened that I can remember were ALL when I was coming back from the gym (this is not counting the times where guys have tried to pick me up while I'm on vacation, which is a totally different phenomenon).

My conclusion is that I generate insanely attractive post-workout pheromones.

The first two times happened basically back to back (within days of each other), and I don't remember which came first, but one of the times I was walking back from Central Park after a late spring/early summer run, my last year in NYC before Egypt, and I noticed this really hot guy totally checking me out -- like with that look like he seriously wanted to devour me. I was shocked, assumed I was misinterpreting the look, and just kept walking. Half way down the avenue block (so it's a really long block) I turn around and he's STILL staring at me.

Here's where things got weird -- and keep in mind that during both these two incidents I was dating R (formerly known as Pookie), and of course told him about both of them. So I see the guy staring at me and I kind of thought "this is like some ridiculous cruising scene from some gay story or something" and had this urge to just tear-down the absurdity of the moment and so I just waved at him. Not like a "come over here" wave, but like a "yes I see you, and this is idiotic" wave. Now, a friend at the time pointed out to me that there must have been something deeper motivating me, because it's not like we devote energy to ALL the times we think others are being idiotic, and so I really didn't need to wave, but I did.

When he came over, I just kept thinking "what is happening? why is this hot guy actually walking towards me, now?" As has happened now EVERY time I've been cruised like this, these guys who give off this ravenous and borderline predatory sexual energy from afar are totally nice guys when they open their mouths. It's really funny. He introduced himself and said that he was Israeli and said he thought I was Israeli, too (SUCH a compliment!). I told him I wasn't, and I immediately said "I actually have a boyfriend." His response was pretty funny: "Well I'm in the City visiting my girlfriend. Do you live nearby? What are you doing now?" WOW. He totally didn't get my point about the boyfriend, although I can see how my acknowledging him at all send the wrong signal (which I didn't understand at the time at all).

The whole thing became really interesting and kind of funny when I just made it clear to him that he wasn't coming home with me, and somehow we started talking about the fact that I was moving to Egypt. We were then talking about spirituality and the universe and I just kept thinking "this is SUCH an odd moment, and he is so hot? what is going on??" He said something really interesting, which was that it was just a coincidence of the universe that we were crossing the street at the same time, and that even though this wasn't the right time for us to meet, since neither of us were really available, maybe he'd see me crossing another street one day. Somehow I felt really content to leave it at that. It was odd, but nice.

The second incident was even weirder (and, as I said, within a few days of the first). I had run south until I didn't want to run anymore with the intention of taking the subway home (I often did this when I wasn't running the loop in Central Park), and on the subway I had that same feeling as a few days before, that someone was watching me. Not just looking at me, but WATCHING me. I looked across the row in front of me and to the left and this guy with (the first thing I noticed) the most insanely defined arms was totally staring at me. I was at first distracted by his torso, not only because he had one of those muscular but not too big and 4% body fat model torsos, but also because he was wearing this really interesting shirt that was sort of like a dark maroon and black cloudy shit with a huge silkscreened image of the Virgin Mary on it. It was kind of beautiful but kind of odd, whic his exactly how he turned out to be.

He was completely staring at me. Not smiling, but not staring in a brooding way, either. It was the way I stare at the Uno deck when my mother is shuffling it, willing her to subconsciously shuffle-in the Wild Draw Fours to my hand, or the way I stare at the television screen during a tennis match, willing the opponent of a favourite player of mine to double fault or make an unforced error. That's how he was looking at me.

Before his stop, he got up and stood next to me and fixed that same gaze upon me and when the doors opened, it was very weird, because they didn't close when they were supposed to. I remember when he stepped off seeing that branch of of the probability tree sort of vanish (but we get used to that, especially in relationships, and learn not to mourn it because branches are created all the time in every aspect of our lives). Ok I won't bore you with my probability tree thing, but the point is that he got off the train and I felt the moment die and then, as our bodies get used to a certain interval (the interval that a standard panning shot stop and focuses on something and moves on in EVERY movie we see, or the interval, in this case, that the subway doors stay open on that line on a normal evening), the doors just stayed open. I remember thinking "that is so funny, it's like the moment isn't supposed to end" but even THEN I didn't get up. They stayed open. There was no opening and closing with the conductor imploring people to step in and stand clear; no one was rushing to transfer from a train across the tracks; no announcement was made that we were being held temporarily at the station. The doors just stayed open.

I sprung out of my seat, thinking that I was absolutely insane, absolutely betraying R, going crazy that I'd have this incident and the Israeli incident in a matter of days, and wondering what would happen next. I turned out of the car towards the stair case and there he was. Maybe he was willing me and the train. So few people have the ability to puzzle or surprise me, that I have to confess a total romantic weakness for those who can throw me for a loop (more often than not, I have to create a loop to throw myself on and temporarily attribute it to them so I can feel attracted before I get bored with my own game).

When we got to the top of the stairs I just said "hey-" and before I could get out the rest of my sentence, his counterpoint to my rushed "hey-" was the most self-possessed and calm "Hello." It was so odd, the way he could elongate the space around him. I mean we can all draw out our words, but it was as if he could slow down the space through which those words passed. The space we were in. I continued: "who ARE you?"

We walked 30 blocks to my street, during which time he told me that he was a Playgirl model turned photographer, that he hated himself for wasting his 20s hating his body, that he feels happy that in his 30s he's understanding his artistic drive, that he thinks the most important thing a person can do is have children, because nothing makes a person so introspective as that, and that he was staring at me because I was so unique. He then told me that I had to walk him the 30 blocks back to his street where we got off the subway, we exchanged contact info, and I have to say that's pretty much were the magic ended.

True to form, my insecurity at the time allowed me to be simultaneously manipulative and self-torturing, and although we met up with a Swiss friend of mine for drinks and for him to show me his art, and although promises were exchanged the he and his boyfriend and R and I would all have dinner, I swiftly poisoned our dynamic.

It was SO messed-up. I introduced the Swiss guy to him to protect myself from him actually desiring me, to prove to myself that the Swiss guy didn't really like me and would easily fall for someone more beautiful...they were supposed to meet each other and ignore me and make me feel like my calculus was impenetrable, even though I had an inner suspicion that it wasn't. I should write about this Swiss guy sometime, because it was one of the real turning points in my personal development (there were a lot of those around 21, 22 I have to say). It couldn't REALLY be happening that either of those guys would have liked me, so I did my best to make it happen that they wouldn't.

My sabotage worked, but not in the way I intended it to. Swiss guy never expressed any attraction to Playgirl model (in fact he found him a bit ridiculous), and when I talked with Playgirl later I was surprised how he called me on what was going on. He told me that he wasn't interested in my game of seeing how he'd react to someone else: "I don't want to be tested -- my attention is fixed on you." It was stunning. I never spoke to him again. Actually, I did email him once to tell him that there was a typo on his photography/modeling website. I learned to think of his art as downmarket and poorly executed, to think that he wasn't as attractive as I imagined, and to judge his relationship with his boyfriend. It's always more comfortable to despise a man than to feel attracted to him.

The third time I've been hit-on on the street was today. I'm not sure if I've told many of you about my Harlem revelation, but the short version is that I realized that there a branch of my gym AND two really useful subway lines within 9 minutes walking distance (with the subway I would always take by Columbia being a 7 minute walk, so they're almost identical). I went to the gym and went down to the subway to go straight to J&R to buy my new humidifier (perhaps for another blog). On the platform, you can imagine what happened. That same feeling of being visually examined.

This guy was impressive, because he wasn't even on my subway platform, but was across the tracks -- so far away that I wasn't sure if his eyes were on me or on someone in my general area. I knew though, deep down. I think we always know when someone is attracted to us, but rarely is it something we want to admit -- in part because it would force us to reconsider the conclusions we've made about our own attractiveness and the way other people view us (our worldview of human attraction), and in part because we find the threat to our autonomy that being coveted by someone presents to us.

The trains were taking forever to come, and he literally did not take his eyes of me. It was almost making me feel a bit ashamed. After about 5 minutes of unbroken stare (me looking out of the corner of my eye, trying not to make the fact that I'd noticed him noticing me be noticed), he walked towards the end of his platform so that when I was looking ahead onto my track he was right there. His gestures for me to come to that side of the platform and get on the train were so imperceptible that to this moment I could have imagined them. He actually left his platform, though, in order to (I imagined) come over to mine. I knew that I wanted to go buy my humidifier and be back in time for tennis and that I had zero intention of going anywhere with him, and I knew that he'd just be wasting his time to come over to my side (especially because he didn't know that it wasn't even the line going to my house, so even if I were interested it was a non-starter since it wasn't the right side of the platform to go to his).

The problem with the "DL" (down-low) culture in Harlem is that it was basically impossible for me to communicate to him that he was wasting his time, but I figured the problem was solved when he seemed never to reappear. That's what I thought. When my train came and I began to walk to the door, he appeared out of nowhere. I then gestured the only way I could think by tapping by wrist like "sorry no time" (this is clearly not a language I'm fluent in!) but he shrugged and got on the train! He must be some kind of expert, because after standing directly in front of me and half-smiling, he then stood next to me so that his reflection was directly in front of me and he could stare without anyone really knowing. Stop after stop went by and I just kept thinking "I need to tell this guy there's no chance."

After about five stops, he went to the door and gestured to me to get out at the next stop. It was something out of a B-movie. I didn't want to get out because I thought it might take a long time for the next train to come, but I felt really bad that I'd somehow lead this guy on (I guess he's basically my polar opposite in terms of reluctance to admit someone is expressing interest -- I don't believe someone when they're saying it loud and clear, and he believes it with basically no encouragement at all).

I did get off at the next stop and immediately said to him, "Hi. I'm sorry but I have to go downtown to buy something for my room. It makes water in my room." (Call me presumptuous, but something told me that unless I knew how to say "humidifier" in Spanish, it was best to keep the language as simple as possible). He then said "Oh, you got someone else waiting for you, ah?" I said "No, I really need to go to J&R...do you know J&R?...to buy something for my room." He was really nice about it, and tried to make some small-talk since he knew I had to wait for the next train. We didn't get very far, but I know his name is Jose and he has a great handshake!

He asked me if I wanted his number, and I told him the truth, that I didn't have my phone with me (I knew I'd be at the gym or running errands on the subway all day, so why bring it?), but that was stupid of me, because then he said: "Ok well put your number in my phone." He fips open his phone and OF COURSE there is a picture of his adorable little son, probably 6. It was like Egypt all over again! I was reluctant, but gave it to him (I figure I don't need to answer if I don't want to), and then it was so shocking because all of a sudden, while I'm dialing my number in, he just GRABBED me! He simultaneously grabbed me, you know, THERE, and kissed me as the train sped into the station. I was completely shocked -- like almost frozen shocked where you want your mind to work more quickly because you have to do SOMETHING in order to counteract the inertia of someone else's physical action, but luckily since the train came he let go and said "ok I'll call you later."

Thankfully I'm home and I haven't gotten a call from anyone I don't know, but I guess the overall point is that I'm apparently totally irresistible when I'm coming back from the gym!

VC