Well as Dr. Juicy is aware from my incessant email forwarding, the past few days for me have been a time of cleaning house, and I think it was important for me to start the New Year facing my life and my personal relationships in as honest a way as possible.
The first (and pretty insignificant) tie was cut when a friend of mine from Cairo -- let's call him Argentino -- who was also here in NYC for law school revealed to me what I'd already suspected which was that he was hooking up with my ex in Cairo while we were dating. Actually, he claims that it was after I'd already left Egypt, but I'm not that much of a fool. As you can see from the emails, below (my first and second emails, and his reply), it was time to have an accounting of the friendship, which from my perspective didn't offer a lot.
The second "breakup" email, which was not a tie-cutting but more of a category shift, went to a friend in DC who I'd been dating on and off without much momentum over the past five months. Someone who I think really highly of, but who I didn't really see a future with (a fact that came into sharper perspective while I was home in CA and I thought a lot about the differences between him and Swissy and my feelings about them both).
Even though you don't know these people, I think the emails are worth reading. Case studies, if you will :)
1A. Tie-cutting Email to Argentino
Hey Argentino,
Thanks for coming out tonight. Dr. Juicy liked you a lot, and asked if I could put you on her "going out/party list" and I of course said yes :)
I wanted to say something that's pretty hard to articulate, but that is basically this:
I am not certain that we are really people with a lot of shared values or direction, and I feel like I'm not likely to be able to incorporate you into the small and trusted circle of friends that I hold dear. I don't want you to think that this is exclusively or even primarily about the CairoEx revelation, because it's not. I'm generally hesitant to get too close to people who clearly have a lot of personal growth to undertake before being ethical becomes a life habit for them; for certain reasons, chief amongst them the fact that I see a lot of me in you -- in terms of the difficulties of the coming out experience -- I wanted to help you through that as a friend, and I didn't want to close the door on knowing you despite my hesitancy (even if, as you rightly point out, I haven't been the most eager presence). Where the CairoEx revelation fits in to this is that it confirms this original hesitancy that I was trying to ignore in order to attempt to be there for someone I perceived as being in need. I think, though, that we just don't share enough common perspective at this point for me to be the helping friend that I wanted to be for you. I also think that my trust and respect for you is limited to the point that I could not fill that role, which is a truth I was not facing until tonight.
There are lots of great things about you, and I'll certainly be wishing you only good things personally and professionally. I really regret that I don't have the resources necessary to be a better friend to someone like you, but it's better to be honest about these limitations than try to ignore them.
Have a great New Year!
-- VC
1B. PS to Tie-Cutting Email: "I almost forgot"
One of CairoEx's friends actually told me that you and CairoEx were hooking up when I was still in Cairo and Ex made this HUGE deal about how this guy from Bahrain was such a lier and how thankful he was that I had faith in him that he wouldn't do that. I was really hard on that guy, Ex's friend, telling him I wouldn't listen to his lies, that he was sick to try to spread rumours like that etc. I obviously think it was wrong for both you and Ex to lie about what happened (and for you to still lie about when it happened, even when you'd gotten 1/2 way to the truth), but I think it's particularly bad for Ex to let me believe that it was actually someone else, this Bahraini guy, who was the lier, and let me tell the guy off when he was just trying to help me out by warning me that Ex was hooking up with one of my friends. I think herein lies the difference between why you were happy in Egypt and I wasn't! lol We are VERY different! :)
1C. Reply Email from Argentino
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Two words re: the "drinks every now and then" = NOT LIKELY
Ok moving on, here is the stuff with DC guy. I feel like my email to him was perfect, except that I kind of have the urge to reply to his email even though I won't, because you don't want to drag these things out -- each person sort of gets one turn only, I think. When he says that he disagrees with me on the timing and that one can't know if someone is "the one" this quickly, I feel like he's misunderstanding me a bit. I'm not saying that I think you can know if someone is "the one" after some scattered dates over 5 months, but I do think that you can know when someone is not. The bottom line is that, as much as I refuse to let myself go head-over-heals for people (and as rational as Swissy and I both are about the limitations on our interaction, refusing to have any romantic illusions whatsoever), I am a romantic, and I am the type to have daydreams and fantasies about what life might be like with someone when I really like him. I think all the time about Swissy coming to CA and meeting my mother, and us sitting at home and watching his favourite American tv shows -- even if I wouldn't act on the impulse, I even peak at property in Lausanne and think about jobs I could take in Geneva after graduation (admittedly not much of a professional sacrifice, since I could have likely ended up there, anyway). I realized that I didn't have these same romantic impulses with DC Guy, and I don't think that's a good sign. I should be imagining walking with him in the DC Mall, hiking in Hawaii -- something! There's really none of that, anymore, I think because somewhere inside it's clear to me that it's just not going to happen.
Here you go:
2A. Breakup Email from Me to DC Guy
I've been thinking about this a lot over the Winter holiday, and have come to the difficult realization that I don't think you and I are a match.
It's so rare to find someone of your quality, and I have absolutely nothing to say about you that would even remotely resemble criticism. You are a great catch, and so am I, but unfortunately that doesn't mean that this is meant to be.
From what I've seen of you, you are a dynamic guy, a good father, an excellent businessman, and quite [romantic] -- the complete package, really -- and I am hoping that you find the right guy, because you certainly deserve it. It's regrettable to me to have to say that I don't think I'm him.
You have fun tonight. Dance you ass off :) Know that all my thoughts of you are fond ones.
Happy new year,
VC
2B. Reply Email from DC Guy
VC
I know this is the decision you have come to. You indicated as much during your break, I weighed that into my decision as to whether or not I should change my plans for this evening. I, on the other hand, tend to move slower and really would have no idea if you are “the one” without a great deal more time together. This is why I was excited about the possibility of Puerto Rico or something like that to have a block of uninterrupted time together.
I think you are amazing, and will always have very warm and wonderful thoughts of you and our time together.
As you said I am the complete package. I am flattered you would thinks so. I try to be as good a man as the one I will settle down with will be. You certainly have all the indications of being that sort of man.
I look forward to having a wonderfully supportive and mutually loving friendship with you. I look forward to hearing of your soaring career and the wonderful man you will be for that special someone.
Do not be a stranger, I will not be one to you.
I already miss you, and look forward to seeing you soon.
Xoxo DC Guy
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Nice one, huh? Great guy.
Happy New Year!
VC