Wonderful Dream & Comment on Hapiness

I wanted to let followers of my blog who were concerned that my dreams were getting a LITTLE too crazy (my particular favourite was last week when I, as Celine Dion's best friend, had to mix the tubes for her artificial insemination) know that I had the most amazing dream last night.

I dreamed that I was in an old Mediterranean city (looked like Italy) with my Swissy who recently visited me for Thanksgiving (if I didn't blog about how amazing it was seeing him, it's because I was too busy having an amazing time -- and not amazing like "swept me off my feet crazy" amazing...it was a BETTER amazing, the kind that is more "it's amazing that we feel so comfortable and content by this"). In the dream, we were touring some kind of old historic sight, like a villa turned into a museum or something, and we were kind of short on time, because he'd made plans for us to go a chamber music concert and have dinner with friends. It was really cute, because he kept saying "I have to go to put on my tail feathers," because he wasn't sure how to say "tuxedo" in English (which makes no sense, because in French they actually call it "un smoking"), but he knew I was really enjoying the museum and didn't want me to have to go back and change, even though this concert he'd arranged was a really big deal.

It was so adorable how kind of insistent he was about wanting to dress up in his special jacket, but how at the same time he didn't insist that I do the same. I remember telling him "I can go change...let's go," and him sort of hugging me with his hand on the lower part of my back and saying "I'm looking at you now and I think you look perfect the way you are" (and I was totally wearing jeans) and he didn't say it in a totally cheesy fake way, but he said it in a really sincere "I accept you as you are" way, which is the feeling I got from him in person. We all have flaws and imperfections, and in the past I'd be really bothered by knowing, for example, that he really likes blond guys -- I'm not blond, and I'm therefore not his ideal, and in the past that would have hurt me, but NOW I can see that there is a difference between your abstract ideal and what you happily accept as wonderful-as-is in real life. I don't think he looks at me and says "it's too bad he isn't blond." I think he looks at me and is happy, and I feel the same way.

Ok back to the dream, so he rushes off to go put on this "tail feathers" (tuxedo), and I stayed until the museum closed (btw: in real life he's totally not into museums, which doesn't bother me at all, and I'm not sure he would ever wear a tuxedo to a chamber music concert either, but that's beside the point). So after he leaves and I and a few other people exit onto the street, there are like no taxis left, and I was a little stressed that I was going to be late looking for a taxi. Then, again why this dream was so nice, I just kind of said "it's ok...I can call him and let him know I'm going to be late and he's not going to judge me because he knows this isn't my fault and I'll get there in the first taxi available and we'll manage."

You can see that there were a lot of warmth, calmness, acceptance themes in this dream, which I think are key to all of our happiness (especially in a relationship).

When I got to the concert, he was as handsome as I knew he'd be (in real life, he's one of those people who every time I saw him, for the fist few seconds, my eyes would always be like "wow he's handsome") and we had an amazing time with his friends who were there.

Looking back on the dream, I can see that there were (unfortunately) some elements of my past relationship with Pookie creeping-in, because in the dream his friends were all his age, very sophisticated, and elegant, but also very warm and just happy people (one key difference is that in the dream there were a lot of straight couples, which does not really describe Pookie's set very well: friends from Harvard and ex-boyfriends).

After the dinner, I'm not really sure what happened in the dream (and no I'm not censoring it because my mom reads this -- I really don't remember what happened! lol) but I do remember that we went back to California (Swissy's DREAM is to be in California -- ironically, he feels as at home there as I do in Switzerland...), and then I had another really nice part of my dream, which is that my mom and I were just walking and talking and I remember remarking that we were both wearing sleeveless shirts and enjoying the warm weather one evening. It was so serene and just very calm and contented.

The whole dream was wonderful in that way. Happy people, but happy in a calm way (not ecstatic). Everyone was just very serene and at peace. I kind of miss that feeling, actually. I think more and more, now (probably because I'm studying for finals) that I am going to work really hard after I graduate to build THAT kind of life. It's not about following the path of going from the most elite law school to the most difficult-to-get high-paying job, to each new competitive milestone I can find in order to be officially selected as unique/special/worthy. In reality, managing to be happy puts one amongst a much more select few than does becoming a multi-millionaire or UN representative. It's sometimes hard to remember that. I think, though, that it might be internal knowledge of that (how truly difficult it is to be happy) which makes me seek out the other things so obsessively -- I wonder if there's not something inside me that says "it's too hard to be happy in fact, but you are capable of wining lots of other things that other people dream about, so do that, and you can be happy by default -- society will be happy about you FOR you."

This isn't to say that I can't one day have it all, but it's to say that I can't start at the wrong end with things. I should focus my efforts on priming myself for happiness (making myself into the kind of person who is a good friend and partner) and spend less time priming myself for success, because the fact is, some of us are likely to feel like we are always succeeding but never successful (never having enough), and that's a very obvious trap that I don't want to fall into.

In sum: wonderful dream; working on happy.

VC