Really Tough Decision

Swissy invited me to come spend time with him in California the weekend before I start at Yale, and when I told him that I wanted to save my money and come to Europe later in the year, he was like "no I'm inviting you, it's just your job to find the ticket and I'll pay for you."

It might not make sense to some of you why I would let other guys pay for things but wouldn't let Swissy, but I finally decided to tell him no.

It was really hard to explain myself, and I wrote and deleted the email to him declining his offer probably ten times. I know for him it's not a grand gesture or loaded with special (or especially un-special) meaning, but for me it isn't neutral -- it's either a really intimate gesture between partners, or it's something business-like. I don't want it to be UN-intimate with Swissy, but I am also realistic about the fact that we are not a couple right now and we can't be at this distance. We're like...we are something akin to pre-boyfriends, but aren't QUITE there, and I don't want to mess up what we have because it's SO nice and so NOT messed-up.

I tried to explain to him that I know he is trying to share a special place with me, and that I am touched by the fact that he wants to share a place he loves with me. I just don't want something like that to NOT mean something with him, and I know we're not at a stage where it's feasible for us to make it mean what I want it to.

I'm probably going to drive him mad, so we'll see how he replies to my email lol

VC