Don't know why I felt like saying that in French, but the title, in case you couldn't guess, is: "Romantic Life: Put in Relief" (NOT in the sense of relief = satisfaction, but in the sense of a sculpture and the degradation of depth achieved with something is put in relief).
I have a lot of things to discuss, but I guess -- to be stream of consciousness about this -- the one that is currently and most frequently on my mind are the perspective-inspiring developments in my personal life, this week.
To self-plagiarize from an email just sent to Desi that summarizes recent developments (following me calling up the ex-Pookie and following up my unabashedly frank emails with some real phone time):
Things have taken a fantastic turn (thanks to my aggression), and he is really pushing for a weekend visit in December (even when I told him I'd prefer that he not). The key to the offer, on his part, is that it's not motivated by the sense of obligation that would then later loop back around to make him feel constrained by burdensome expectations, but is just a positive desire on his part to see me in the place that I live. He also followed the request with an "I'll understand if you don't think it's a good idea," which is about as close as he is capable of getting to acknowledging the emotional complexity between us (as opposed to pretending like there is nothing of substance or complexity at all...which is what he normally does with everything).
*sigh*
Yeah, I feel pretty happy about it. It's funny, too, because talking to him on the phone (which we basically NEVER do), seeing his photo, emailing him regularly (like everyday -- which is also not standard practice of the past year), it really reminds me that this abstract thing that I keep saying I want (a relationship with HIM) does not ONLY exist in my head, but can be (and should be) a daily reality. It suddenly puts into very severe relief that stupidity of "options" (so-called) that I considered with certain other people...they're in totally different universes in terms of what could/has happened.
{end of email} To follow-up that last thought, since I think it's worth clarifying: I don't want to give the impression that the people I've dealt with in Cairo are less real, or deserve less respect, or should be considered less seriously than my ex, but rather that my responses to them (ranging from jealousy, to attachment, to combination of things in between), and the weight that my interaction with them had in my day to day happiness, was totally out of proportion to what happened and what was happening with them. I will analyze why I was allowing this to happen, and what ways in which I allowed this to happy, at a later point, but the main thing, now, is that seeing his face -- knowing that he is there -- I can't explain how much more connected I feel to NYC and less affected (less disproportionately affected) I am by what is happening in Cairo. To engage in just once sentence of the analysis I said I'd postpone: maybe part of what made me so unhappy this past year in Cairo, and what made me react in such extreme and disproportionate ways to the goings-on in my nearly-nonexistent Cairo romantic life, was that I was acting out the process (the deeply emotional process) that I never experienced as part of my breakup (or negotiation phase) with the ex, because we were dating, I moved to Egypt, and we broke up (no discussion, no denouement -- it just vanished).
Will write a seperate blog about some other things, but there you have it -- romantic life of the Chunk.
Oh, but just to make you laugh, I circulated his photo to some close friends, and here are the replies that I got (keep in mind that he is 48, and despite the fact that I'm 23, HE'S the hot one!):
- In this picture, he totally looks like Jack from Will & Grace!
- I think he's adorable, VC!! I also think he's the kinda guy whocalls his mom "mother" and knows how to use proper silverware (these are good things).
- Wow. [Pookie] is very boyish-cute.
- ...wanted you to know that of course I forwarded [Pookie's] photo to [a friend who is an extremely talented painter, excellent woman, and great political thinker, and who will soon be linked-to on this blog]…she wrote back this morning that he looks like he is 20 year old!
Just thinking about the four wonderful people who wrote those responses, as well as the other people in my life, as well as the Pizza Hut dinner that JUST arrived, I feel like a pretty happy Chunk.
:)
VC