Small Portions, Huge Fork

Small Portions: I'm dieting and exercising. I had a false start two weeks ago to the diet (5 days of healthy eating with no cheating were interrupted by *someone's* arrival from New Haven), but I'm back and today I ate healthfully AND ran. Let's see how long this lasts. I just realized that I gained a pound, this past year, for every year that I've been alive. How not cute.

More importantly, Huge Fork: My career angst, expressed in a series of emails between me and a friend (who is also the closest thing I have to a romantic option, but who is still very, very far from being a boyfriend)...and no, I didn't edit these emails, so sorry:

1. Me to T:

I'm ditching Persian class and going for a run.

Ted, I'm literally going crazy about my career. I swing wildly between "just try things at the UN and do the human rights thing and see how it goes," to "you are fooling yourself if you think you can be happy on a UN salary; get yourself into private industry and figure out how and where -- fast" to "you don't graduate until 2009 so calm down and shut up." I'm also a bit worried by the fact that if I win a human rights fellowship from Columbia for this summer and then take the money and transfer to Yale in the Fall, I have to pay them back for the summer...which would suck...but I think I need to just behave as if I'm not even thinking about Yale and not even thinking about money.

Let's hope I'm not someone who manufactures stress when the waters are clear (better than manufacturing drama, though).

End result of my stress? I need to go for a run :)

2. T to me:

Don’t go crazy, my thought is to calm down a bit, move toward a well paying position that will give you the comfort and options to devote some of your time to human rights. I would recommend not pigeon holing yourself too early in your career but to built the reputation of being a good, strong attorney that can create successful billable hours and do great charitable work.

Anyway that is my soap box… you know what ever you decide I will be supportive.

3. Me to T:

Spoken like a true consultant :)

Actually, though, your advice (although good for someone not in my position) doesn't really apply to me for a few reasons [by the way -- I know you're busy, so don't take this as something I expect you to reply to...it's just so you know me, and then in person we can talk about these things...or not...it's just getting you more familiar with what I'm all about, so don't feel obligated to reply at midnight or something when you have tons of work to do and sleep to catch up on...I know this email is quite an epic]:

I am not interested in practicing law in the private sector (working as a legal assistant at a corporate firm after college helped me decide that), and the only reason I came to law school was to get the credentials necessary to join a guild of public international lawyers (I mean that non-literally). Private sector work interests me as little (or less) than finance, the hours are just as bad, and the pay, from the mid- to long-range, is much worse. In other words: if I'm not a human rights lawyer then I'm not a lawyer, because more gainful and equally or less miserable employment lays elsewhere.

I think your advice is really good for someone who first wants to be a lawyer and second wants to be a do-gooder. The thing with me is that being a lawyer is not my number one priority, and I am not interested in do-gooding at such an abstract level that I'd be happy with charity/pro bono just because it's warm and fuzzy for the world. I like international human rights law and humanitarian law because it's interesting to my brain; it's dynamic, evolving, and intellectually very stimulating *and* (as bonus) yes you get good person points for it.

It is possible for me to claw my way into the extremely competitive world of international law -- I could probably get something with an interesting (from the outside) organization, from the UN, to the ICRC, to any number of great places. The problem is that I think that in a lot of cases the corporate culture at a place like the UN is pretty awful, and there are a lot of people who like the prestige of being involved in human rights but are not truly interesting and committed people (I saw this in Afghanistan). The pay is also REALLY bad. I mean even after YEARS at one of these organizations I'd still be making almost nothing, and I wish (so much!) that I was someone who could live on a tight budget, but the reality is that it makes me pretty unhappy. No, I don't chase all the latest trends or feel the need to fill some void with consumer goods, but I think that it's hard to imagine (indeed, as a law student: to practice) not being able to spend freely on some of my favourite things, and (more importantly for grown-ups) to at the same time save and build a home, investments, etc. I met with my second boyfriend (back in December 2003 we broke up) who was a human rights officer at the UN for years, and he thinks that I shouldn't worry about it, and reminded me that when you are on mission in hazardous areas you get all kinds of bonuses, but that's exactly what I don't want to be -- one of those people who chases one crisis after another *for the money* (SO many UN people in Afghanistan were happy to live in gorgeous homes, get tons of money, and basically do almost nothing while having the world think they are such holy people) with no permanent home, stable relationship, etc.

So as far as international law goes, it's tough to get into, it might not even be what I'm hoping it will be in terms of the work, and the pay will always be a struggle.

That's where I get stressed: I jump to the endgame where I say: Ok, I graduate law school when I'm 27, work in the public sector for three years, and at 30 realize "This was ok, but I can't live like this, and I want more for myself...and I don't need to work as a human rights lawyer to be a good person" and then need to find an alternative path. What? McKinsey? An MBA? Leveraging my experience in the Middle East (my MA and language experience and having lived there) to specialize in energy consulting or something?

After my run, tonight, I was walking down 5th Ave and Central Park South and was just thinking about how uncomfortable it makes me that the choices I'll be making the next few years will basically decide whether or not I'll ever see over the top of Central Park. I'm practical about the fact that the pleasure/utility I could derive from a couple nice homes in less expensive parts of the world could count for a lot more happiness-wise than a small, multimillion dollar apartment overlooking the park, but what makes me uncomfortable is that I won't even have that choice. I've always known that I could basically do anything, and therefore give myself anything, but I'm getting to that stage (as all adults do) where my choices are going to start having real opportunity costs.

I don't believe that human rights is the only path to happiness, and as much as I don't believe that I need to go shopping every week at Hermes to be happy, I also think that being in my 30s and 40s and beyond and not even having the OPTION (regardless of what my actual preferences will be) will make me feel confined and unhappy, and as much as I don't think human rights is the exclusive gateway to happiness (nor is material wealth), I also don't buy into the myth that the corporate road is one that leads inevitably to miserable and moral darkness. Who is to say that there is not some job out there, that right now maybe I don't even know exists (there are SO many niches in consulting, in finance, in investment management, etc.) that I might love AND be compensated well at.

This is why I'm stressing. I feel like I'm at a big huge fork, or at least it's SO big that I can see it immanently in the distance, and I don't know which way to go, and I don't know how to get myself the information to know which way to go (and don't forget that law school is a $65,000/year uncertainty!).

HAHAHAH. See the run totally didn't help. I ran, came back, slept for three hours, and now I'm stressed again (which is not to say that I'm unhappy, but I am a bit concerned that there seems to be an uncomfortable decision, here, that I don't know how to make).

VC