Doha

Depart 25 May from Newark at 20:30 on Continental 138;
Arrive in Paris at 9:55.
Depart Paris at 12:00 on Qatar 22.
Arrive in Doha at 19:35 (26 May).

Depart 30 May from Doha at 9:35 on Qatar 7;
Arrive in London at 15:00.
Depart London at 16:35 on American 131.
Arrive at JFK at 19:35pm.

Dear International Conference Observer:

I hope by now you have received a formal invitation from the Qatar Human
Rights Commission - the official host of the forthcoming 2nd Arab Conference
on Democracy and Reform from May 27th -29th in Doha, Qatar. Enclosed you
will find further information on the Agenda and the Working Groups /
Workshops for the Conference. While you are welcome to attend any of the 16
workshops we particularly hope that you will actively participate in the
following five workshops: Role of Private Sector in Promoting Democracy,
Transitional Justice, Role of External Actors, Resource Mobilization &
Fundraising, and Governance / Transparency. All participants are also being
asked to prepare a short written paper (5 pages) on one workshop topic of
interest. International observers are encouraged to write their papers on
one of the five topics detailed earlier if at all possible. Also attached
to this email is a copy of the original invitation letter to foreign
observers and a copy of the Arab Democracy Foundation (ADF) Mission
Statement. Please direct ALL correspondence regarding this conference to
Dr. Ali El Morry the Secretary General of the National Human Rights Council
of Qatar at: nhrc@qatar.net.qa Telephone: +9744444012 Fax: +9744444013.
If you have not received a formal invitation to the conference until now
please direct requests to the above contact information and include detailed
and correct contacts for yourself and your institution including a working
fax number. I look forward to seeing you all in Qatar in May.

Sincerely,

Dr. Saad Eddin Ibrahim

Chairman of the Ibn Khaldun Center for Development Studies

Inside Iran

Watch it, if you want.


VC

The World Has VERY Odd Taste

I wanted to do more research on this DJ Bobo guy who lost it for Switzerland this year, and as it turns out he's a huge international success.

His single "Chihuahua" was the #1 selling single in the ENTIRE WORLD in 2003.

Now that I hear it, I have definitely heard part of it, but again, look at the video, it's just totally insane.

The world has VERY odd taste.

VC

With Love

I don't mind you telling me what's been on your mind lately
I don't mind you speaking up
I know sometimes I can be all wrapped up and into me
I can be in such a rush

Just slow me down, slow me down
Tell me tomorrow everything will be around
Just slow me down, slow me down
You're the one who keeps me on the ground

Baby, you can be tough
Say enough is enough
You can even be blunt
Just do it with love, love, love
You can tell me I'm wrong
That I'm coming on way too strong
Don't think I'd be crushed
Just do it with love.

Just slow me down, slow me down
I know you will always be around.

****

I love this song. I'm too embarrassed to tell you who it's by, but it's a GREAT song.

VC

Most Horrible Thing Ever

You know how I gave you guys the fab lesbienne who just won the Eurovision contest for Serbia?

Well I found the Swiss entry.

DJ Bobo's "Vampires Are Alive."

God this is awful.

To think that Switzerland once had Celine Dion win Eurovision for them and has now turned to this.

Check it out. It's so bad that it's almost good. I mean it's so unintentionally camp it's ridiculous. I've spared you the live version and given you the music video loooooooool.

OH MY GOD I just found this "sim" version that someone did. I'm physically laughing out loud alone in my apartment because the simulated computer characters are so ridiculous.

VC

PS: I still love Switzerland. I just think they need ME to come and win Eurovision for them!

PPS: Most Europeans actually thought the Swiss entry was one of the strongest in the entire field and found it a shock that it only placed 20th in the semifinals and didn't qualify for the final round. There was a huge scandal made in the European press about bloc voting, now that so many Eastern European countries compete, and Monaco even withdrew its entry in protest of what it considered insurmountably-biased voting conditions. In the end, not a single Western European country qualified for the finals (the "big four" of Germany, France, Spain, and the UK go to the finals automatically because they basically pay for the event). Anyway, you can see here some analysis on the event, including discussion of the shock that the Swiss entry (of all the Western European entries) was the biggest surprise in not qualifying for the finals. In addition, check here for some of the crazy maps and stuff analyzing the voting. People take their ESC (Eurovision Song Contest) very seriously!

Back on a Regular Sleep Schedule?

I can't believe it, but I actually fell asleep last night by 1am and slept until almost 9am!

I think the key was that I totally exhausted myself walking all over Manhattan and then also going to the gym -- so much so that by the end of the night I was too tired to even eat, which only made me MORE tired, and it was the intake of only 500 calories that did me in.

Time to get breakfast!

VC

VC LOVES SERBIAN LEZZIES

Congrats to Serbia for winning its first Eurovision title!

I've blogger about Eurovision before. I'm a LITTLE obsessed, but didn't get to follow it that much this year.

I think it's simultaneously one of the most fantastic and messed-up things on television each year. Only Europe would have multiple entries over the years in fake, nonexistent languages with the "vision" that one day we'll speak a language that is not particular to any nation or history!!

Anyway, I think the Serbian woman who won this year sang her ass off and totally deserved it.

I knew Serbian men were hot, but the lesbiennes are hot AND talented!

Check here out here!

VC

Swiss HOTNESS

LIONEL CLERC, in his interview with Swiss Le Matin to become Mr. Switzerland 2007. HOT.

I mean need I say more, really?

You know Swiss people are hot if I'm even capable of being attracted to at 24yo one.

Even if you don't understand French just watch at least the beginning of the video.

Oh, and yes he's from he SAME place that Swissy lives!

Here's poor cute puppy being interviewed after he was only given second place.

Yes, all the links are red in honour of SWITZERLAND!

VC

PS: Look at the winner -- he's such a loser! His French is horrible...I mean like he literally is worse than an American high school student in their second month of French class (I'm not kidding), and his teeth are totally fake. I'm so disappointed that Lionel didn't win!!

On the Bound

All my life is on the now
Hail the pages turning.
And the future is on the bound
Hell don't know my fury.

I don't know what I'm doing,
Don't know: should I change my mind?
I can't decide.
There's too many variations to consider.

No thing I do don't do no thing but bring me more to do.
It's true I do imbue my blue into myself; I make it bitter.

(Fiona Apple)

How to Host a Qatari Royal?

I just got an email from Shakira, today, that her counterpart in Doha who is helping organize this whole human rights and democratization conference we're supposed to go to at the end of the month is coming to NYC for work and she wants me to take him out.

This wouldn't be THAT much of a problem except that he's a member of the royal family and I just don't think he's going to want to come to NYC and order pizza and watch tv with me.

I'm going to see if I can't maybe get Dr. Juicy to help me plan something "fun."

VC

Final Push

Well I'm like 36 hours away from the end of my first year of law school and I'm only posting because it's 2am and I've been asleep since 10pm (I would have kept sleeping, but I just can't) and I wanted to declare that I'm thankfully getting my sleep schedule a BIT more on track. It was my intention to study last night, but it was like all of a sudden I just couldn't keep my eyes open and I just HAD to sleep. I even set my alarm and went back to sleep anyway. So it's now 2am Thursday morning and I have about 24hrs (but ideally only about 22) before I should be in bed for my exam on Friday and I have a LOT of Property to study!

I think my plan is to work for about 5 hours and see how I feel, but my goal is to be as close to half-way through the materials as possible and I'll break for breakfast and then either keep going or nap for an hour or two (although that really runs the risk of putting myself back on a bad schedule).

As some of you know, the minute finals end -- or, more precisely, 2 hours after finals end -- our writing competition starts where we compete for spots on the different law journals by editing an article (mostly just fixing the footnotes so they conform to the famous Blue Book format) and writing a short piece based on the materials given to us in a big exam packet. We have a week to do it, and from what I've read about the competition at other schools, it's a BIT like preparing for another final in the sense that you should work on it about 8 hours a day for each day that you have available.

I am not totally hung up on the process, however, because I don't really care if I get selected for the main Law Review or not, and even if I don't make the Human Rights Law Review I'll still not really feel too bad about it at all.

Off to work! :)

VC

Final Word: Geneva Is NOT Boring

I'm tired of everyone but me thinking that Geneva is boring, so I'm going to put the debate to rest once and for all.

Geneva is not boring.

Why else would Pepperidge Farm name one of its most exciting cookies the Geneva? I mean the Milano is understandably minimalist (classical, yet contemporary in its sleekness), but in comparison the Geneva is positively flamboyant. Would a BORING city have pecans sprinkled all over it? No, so Geneva is not boring. Shut up.

VC

MUST WATCH VIDEO

I've seen the guy's daughter who appears in the Fox clip and HER three daughters on the Tyra Banks show (they've actually been on twice) and they are just incredible. I mean I thought they were an act at first, but they actually believe what they're saying.

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckgZMWml13w

VC

Fantastic Lyrics

Just in case some of you forgot how great Fiona Apple is, this is "Oh Well."

What you did to me made me see myself - something different.
Though I try to talk sense to myself, but I just won't listen.

Won't you go away, turn yourself in.
You're no good at confession.
Before the image that you burned me in tries to teach you a lesson.

What you did to me made me see myself - something awful.
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled.
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it;
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded.

My peace and quiet was stolen from me:
When I was looking with calm affection,
You were searching out my imperfections.

What wasted unconditional love,
On somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff.

You came upon me like a hypnic jerk when I was just about settled.
And when it counts you recoil with a cryptic word and leave a love belittled.

Oh what a cold and common old way to go:
I was feeding on the need for you to know me,
Devastated at the rate you fell below me.

What wasted unconditional love,
On somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff.

Oh well

***

I mean I don't know about you but did you know what a hypnic jerk was before that song? It's that muscle twitch you get involuntarily when you're super relaxed and about to fall asleep. I mean that is a PERFECT lyric. I also like the part about the stentorian voice becoming meek and muffled.

Beyond just her diction, I think sometimes the thoughts she expresses are the ones that are quite difficult to get at, and yet so true. When she talks about it being a "cold and common way to go...devastated at the rate you fell below me" -- I just think that's perfect.

VC

First ICTJ Assignment

I got my first assignment. Cool reading!!!

He will be asked to read the 1992 HRW Report on the Anfal campaign, plus two previous ICTJ reports on the Dujail trial and one article.

The HRW report is

Genocide in Iraq: The Anfal Campaign Against the Kurds

He should get it in book form at his library, or else download from: http://www.hrw.org/reports/1993/iraqanfal/

The two previous Dujail reports are:

Creation and First Trials

Dujail Trial and Error

The article is

Was the Dujail Trial Fair?

The single most important thing is the HRW book. It’s essential that he finish it as soon as possible after he starts.

More Weird Dreams

I dreamt last night that I was with a friend who was having a medical crisis (which was tied-in to a thought I had in real life about expanding the system of home testing beyond blood sugar to other measurements -- I think I'm onto something!), and he had to call his doctor while I went to go get something (I don't remember what) which involved me running up to the roof of the building (but again, like in the dream where I was looking for apartments, everything was really out of proportion and exaggerated...like the "roof" was really many MANY huge apartment buildings long, in terraces, so there were many levels and buildings). When I got to the roof (the whole time really frantic about him calling me back after talking to the doctor) I saw that the whole thing was covered with satellite dishes and there was an audible hum of energy in the air -- which some of you may know is a total phobia of mine (I had to mess with my dish a couple times one night in Cairo and it was SUCH a test of will I was so freaked out to be standing in front of it, since even though there's no electrical current coming out I still totally feel things emanating from it! lol). Because of all the dishes my phone signal was disturbed and my phone was making a weird noise and displaying a weird satellite symbol I'd never seen before. I was really concerned that my friend's call wouldn't come through and I had to make it through and past the dishes in order to get a clear signal (like move behind them so they were facing away), which I was able to do.

It turned out that he was ok and we didn't need to rush to the doctor, but the dream didn't decrease in weirdness at all. In that complex of buildings (it was like an entire cite at the rooftop level) Swissy was working with some new associates (a couple older straight guys -- like old geezers lol) and they had some kind of asset management consulting company. There was all this drama because a lot of the new business they were bringing in was from Israel, and one of their "clients" had totally misrepresented himself and was now forcing them to fulfill the contract even though he lied about his assets. It was weird, because Swissy and I kept shifting in and out of that reality, like sometimes we'd be on a plane just sort of cuddling in our seats and then we'd be back in the office talking about the engagement contract for this client. It was funny, because his colleagues knew I was in law school and were asking me my legal opinion, and I just remember that even though I didn't like the aesthetic of the office at all (it was kind of dirty, people were drinking tea from little glasses like in Egypt, and one of the guys was smoking!) I felt really comfortable and even had my feet up on a cardboard box lol. It was (in total contrast to real life) really nice because Swissy was totally out to them and they kind of accepted me around as sort of the respected life partner of one of their colleagues...like they all liked me and liked getting my opinion on things when I was there with him. At one point he was really stressed out and was sort of leaning forward and I put my hand on his back and just sort of rubbed his back a little, and he was talking about how soon things will be easier because he won't always have to be flying back and forth from Zurich anymore (and he doesn't even live there in real life). In a way that is 50% typical of him but 50% a total exaggeration of him in my mind (which is really funny, because this is totally how I perceive him sometimes) he was talking about how he just KNEW, inside, that he'd go to New York and the sun would be shining and a ray of healthfulness would just emanate from him like a beam shooting out of his forehead lol In real life he's a little new-agey (and way too "the universe does what it does" for my taste), so this was SUCH a caricature of him, but it's funny now that I think about it.

The end :)

VC

Grow Much?

"In the Middle East and North Africa region, private equity fund investments grew from $316 million in 2004 to $5.2 billion in 2006, according to Zawya Private Equity Monitor."

Wow.

VC

Obsessive Outlining

I was just looking on the Columbia common drive for outlines from years past and these outlines are just insane. There are two from last year's criminal law class and one of them gets so obsessed with outlining-as-roman-numerals that by the end of the outline there are numbers like "CLVII"

looooooooool X 157

VC

Weird Dreams, Subway Judgments, Hot Guys

I've had a myriad of odd dreams recently, and so I thought I'd share them.

1. The Four Seasons {last week}

I don't remember much of this one, and I really should have written it earlier, but basically it took place in the future, when I'm a bit older, and I was invited to some sort of reunion where I was asked to play Vivaldi's Four Seasons. It was weird because a girl who was considered the best violinist in our region growing up, Cynthia Fung (who I always knew was safe but not genius, as was shown when the girl who dethroned me as concertmaster came and immediately won everything Cynthia every had) was there, and in real life we didn't know each other well, but we were always nice -- there was nothing weirdly competitive about either of us. Anyway, in the dream I had agreed, on the spot, to play part of the piece, but then they wanted me to play a part of it that I'd never played before, and it hit me just as I was about to start playing "I don't know this piece and I can't do this," but she offered to play it for me. There was some panic in the dream, but overall the solution was a good one, and I didn't feel ashamed that I couldn't play it. There was this feeling like I tried to step up, couldn't do it, someone else could, and that was fine. It was a weird kind of teamwork dream.

2. Dating Desi's Boyfriend {two days ago}

This dream was truly odd. The whole premise was that Desi wanted me and his real-life boyfriend to go on a date, but I was starting to worry because for some reason it was becoming clear to me that the boyfriend (let's call him Chi-Chi) might be more into me than Desi. I didn't know what to do and really wanted to find a way to cancel the whole thing without offending Chi-Chi or hurting Desi. In the end, after a lot of anxiety I was like: "I know! I'll tell him that we both have to study for finals and should do this another time." lol I remember we were standing outside the restaurant (on this gorgeous cobble-stone street at the bottom of a hill) and I gave him the let down, and he was like "yeah, I totally agree" but not in the sense that he was also dreading the date, but more like "yeah I need to study too but I wanted to see you and so I didn't say anything." It was only a temporary fix in the dream, but I felt much better lol

3. Apartment Searching, SF {two days ago after alarm went off}

I blame this dream totally on Desi's endless apartment search, and on the fact that I woke up and checked email and then went back to sleep. One of the emails I got was from a friend (SF) who recently returned to NYC after a long period of therapy and detox following a really bad suicide attempt. I think I may have posted some of the poetry he's written (that just won a really big award, although I don't know the name off the top of my head), one of which was about me meeting a guy in Lebanon and one of which was about something I told him one of the times I tried unsuccessfully to intervene before going to Egypt.

Anyway, he emailed and just said "saving a place for you for after finals," and then I went back to sleep and had the oddest dream.

It was one of those dreams where the entire world is just a little different and messed up, like in a heavily stylized movie like Dark City or something.

The premise was that I was supposed to meet him somewhere, but needed to first look at some apartments. He put me in touch with people I could look with, but everything they were showing me was totally weird and unsatisfactory. Like, we'd go through all these complicated alleys and passageways and get to some totally weird apartment with slanted chess board floors, and super high ceilings with, you know, the super stylized enormous bathtub with the rococo fixtures, but really run-down. It was really weird.

I was upset that he sent me to meet these people, and they kept showing me such awful places, and then he showed up to meet me and I was even more upset because it seemed clear to me that he was on drugs.

The last thing I remember from the dream is that the last place we were all at had all these weird animals in it (you know, like ferrets and hedgehogs and loose birds along with cats and dogs, etc.) and it was like no one thought it was weird but me.

4. Fashion Opening & Subway Fiasco, LA {last night}

Both this dream and the next (final) one from last night had weird luxury themes going on. Even though they both actually had bad things happen in them, the overall experience was sort of so rich to the senses and aesthetically amazing that I really liked both dreams.

In this one, I was with a friend (LA) who I grew up with and who moved out to DC to do her MBA at Georgetown. We had been invited to some kind of fashion boutique opening and it was SO interesting. It was, like, this underground space that was rather small and had almost nothing in it, but everything that it had was absolutely gorgeous. Like, there were only a few racks of clothes, but EVERY piece was so simple and so beautiful, I was totally taken aback.

We were enraptured by this boutique and then Lauren realized that we had to leave so she could get back uptown (there was totally a frantic time pressure theme, the substance of which I don't recall) and so we were rushing to the subway. It was not unlike a real situation I encounter where there are four trains I can take to get back home uptown (two local and two express) but they come on two different subway levels, so you never know if you're standing on the best platform. You try to listen to see if one is coming on another level that you can rush up or down to, but it's almost impossible.

Anyway, LA and I frantically ran down to a lower platform to get the A train and I wasn't sure how far behind me she was, but I was lurching for the door to get an arm or something in so the conductor would see me and re-open the doors for us. I didn't get there in time, though, and was right at the front edge of the train when it was starting to move. Some guy yelled at me like "that's why you shouldn't try to hold the doors" as I was nearly losing my balance and was forced to swing around a pole extending from the railing at the edge of the platform so as to not fall onto the tracks, and in doing so my shoe fell onto the tracks.

I think the guy who had yelled at me, who was a track worker, felt bad and could see that I wasn't intending to hold up the train and had a woman with me and had lost my shoe. He said to me something about how it was safe for me, then, to hop down and get it, and I was a little pissed at the situation, but glad that he was helping out watching the tracks. I hopped down, grabbed it, hopped back up onto the railing and just then LA and I heard a train coming from up above. It was a D train and I was like "Can you take this?" and she was like "YES!" so we stated to rush back up to the other platform.

I remember that since I was on the railing already I could sort of hop up to a higher part of the stairs and looked back down and saw that she was somehow injured but motioning me to keep going and get the train (lol!). I ran upstairs, hoping that she was making her way up through the rushing crowd, and then I saw the train.

It was so weird! Imagine a brick wall running at varying heighs, stepping up and down with plateaus and pyramids, sometimes like you see on the side of the freeway. This is how the first few cars of the train were - just fluorescent, glowing orange brick. It was oddly beautiful. When that front part passed I was able to get in the train as the doors were closing and hold them open long enough for LA (who seemed to take forever) was able to jump on.

SIDENOTE: When people hold the doors on the subway and someone jumps on there is ALWAYS a divergent reaction amongst the crowd, and it's this immediate and inexplicable judgment about whether or not you are a likable person. You have to see it to know what I'm talking about. Like, someone might hold the doors for a friend and everyone is, like, booing and saying "Come ON!" and there's this collective hatred of the person willing the doors to shut. Then there are people (and thankfully I've always been in this group!) where the people are rooting you on, like as if you are this symbol of their OWN struggle, and if you can make it on it's a victory for everyone -- I swear I've snuck between the closing doors before and been met with almost applause from some of the other passengers.

Anyway everyone was happy for LA that she made it on, and then I started to wake up. I wanted to keep sleeping and so kind of returned to the dream about the odd, glowing train, but it morphed into a classroom discussion about trains that ran purely on the positive energy of the people in it. Then a character I was sort of creating in dream was like "well what sort of passenger 'positivity' or 'happiness' counts? I mean if they eat a pizza and have the euphoria of a glycemic rush and are temporarily happy, but are actually hurting themselves, does the train count that? What it it's a haphazard romantic encounter between two passengers that is physically gratifying but emotionally damaging?" They didn't know how to answer those questions, and I woke up lol

5. Hot Guy, Foreign Country, More Violins {this morning}

Well after my LA dream I woke up at 6am thinking I had slept as much as I possibly could and SHOCKED that I could possibly sleep until 6pm. I was so disoriented (and convinced that the orange sun in the sky outside my window was setting) that I actually changed the clock on my mobile phone, thinking "how did it get 12 hours off?" lol. I went to the bathroom and started to get ready, and then realized "wait...there's no way I slept for 15 hours...is it 6am??" It was, and I insisted upon going back to sleep lol

Boy am I glad that I did!

I totally had a really good (but also kind of really bad) HOT dream about some gorgeous man I was dating!!

Ok, so here's what happened:

We were in some foreign country that was reminiscent of Italy (sort of old and Mediterranean feeling, not unlike where Chi-Chi and I were going on a date in that other dream I told you about), but I couldn't understand the language at all...maybe it was Croatia or something.

I was walking towards my hotel with my boyfriend and our guide, but the feeling was more like the boyfriend was experienced in that country and was dropping me off there (like maybe he was working there on a film or something and I was just visiting for a while).

I was staying at one of these old hotels that is not supposed to be super modern and luxurious, but is lush in its own way and is really, kind of, like an old house or castle or something. Lots of stone, and wood, etc.

It was really neat, approaching the place, because the old man who was walking me to my room was sort of trying to talk to me and my boyfriend (who could understand some of what he was saying, but this was not his country) and I can't describe the dynamic but it was really how it is when you go to one of these places where it's like you're the honoured guest and they're there to take care of you, but it's also not a hotel, so you work within their system. It's hard to describe, but like he'd be showing me how the water works or where the bedding is and he was really deferential but at the same time proud. He would sort of joke around in a really old man straightforward kind of way (like he'd been the keeper, serving people there since the place had a family living in it a hundred years ago) and I found the place so romantic even though it wasn't super luxurious in a traditional (contemporary, modern, high speed internet and marble) kind of way.

The room was so interesting -- stone walls and wooden furniture and my bed was sort of on a platform carved out of the wall with all these thick woolen blankets and it was really weird because (MORE VIOLINS) there was this blue and white painted violin that the old man was explaining was this antique. It was clear how valuable it was, and sort of fit in the theme of this place being really luxurious but in a historical, charm-internal-to-itself way.

My boyfriend saw how happy the violin made me and was like "this place is perfect, isn't it?" and I was like "Yes!" The old man said to let him know if I needed anything, and then left me and my bf to be alone.

WELL, it got SPICY (not THAT spicy...I actually don't have those dreams)!

I can't explain exactly what he looked like, but he was gorgeous. Sort of light brown hair, really silky, and just kind of lean and handsome. He wasn't, like, swarthy or handsome in a kind of brutal way like the Israeli in real life, but he wasn't pretty either. He was more like how French men can look both masculine but delicate at the same time, even if they aren't really brooding, usually.

I also remember that he had one of those circular little bandaids on his neck (like the kind that are the size of your thumb nail or something) and had the mark where there had been another one before.

Anyway, we started kissing and it was so passionate. Really hot loooooool. The thing is, we were really comfortable with each other, but had that excitement like we hadn't seen each other in a while.

Then it got kind of bad, because as we were kissing he asked me if I had been with anyone since the last time we saw each other, like when I was in Amsterdam.

I immediately thought of Swissy and didn't want to lie. I felt this simultaneous commitment to being honest with my boyfriend AND honest to my time with Swissy -- almost like he deserved me to admit his existence as much as my boyfriend deserved to know the truth.

I told him honestly that I had been with someone else, and he was kind of like "That's ok. Me too. Actually, twice."

It didn't just hurt me that he'd been with someone else, although I was shocked because needing to be with someone seemed understandable at some level, but to be with two other guys just seemed somehow more inexcusable. It hurt me more because he seemed to take US so casually...we'd both cheated, but I thought it was serious and he didn't. That really disturbed me.

He wanted to keep kissing and I sort of stopped him and was like: "Wait, this is a big deal." You could see that flash where he kind of understood that this was not going to just vanish and that things might be about to be lost, but he didn't know what to do. I'm not sure if he cared to know what to do. Anyway, he was trying to express to me that WE were closer than all of that, beyond all of that, and was trying to get me back to the moment that we were enjoying that WAS so blissful. I just couldn't go there, though. He was trying to get me to take my clothes off and I a part of me was physically nauseated by the collision of intimacy and disappointment/hurt in that way. I just refused and was thinking: "I can't believe I can't do this, because 5 min. ago he was wonderful, and he's still wonderful, but I can't do this."

There is no feeling worse in the world that that feeling where you are in pain and the person with you (be it a friend, family member, or lover) doesn't know how to reach you there, and so tried to continue through the moment. It's such a bad feeling not only because you're in pain, but because you're alone and feel "not only am I in pain for XYZ reason, but now I'm also realizing that this relationship cannot work because the person with me right now does not have the capacity to reach out to me, emotionally," and then that pain gets added on top.

That's the feeling I had the night before my exam last semester when I called DC guy and he just kept telling me (at 3am) to come over and spend the night with him, and I was trying to tell him that that wasn't the comfort that I needed, but rather than as me what I needed, or why that wasn't enough, he just tried to convince me, and when I kept saying no he just gave up...like all he had to offer was what HE could think of to offer, when I needed something maybe I knew he could give me, but he didn't realize was in his range.

Anyway, those are my dreams!

VC

Finally, the Chunk's Cheeks Fail

Well my quest to find gluteus maximus muscle failure has finally been achieved! I did glutes tonight and at 75lbs of resistance per cheek there was failure after 40 reps per cheek (ok, 90% failure, I didn't get to true failure because I hate that feeling and already got to experience it on two of my three tricep exercises earlier in the evening!).

I've also completed the test on my full-body workout which encompasses 26 exercises for my different muscle groups. It rocks! :) My cardio is still not what it should be, and I'm not on any sort of healthy eating regime, but I've been going to the gym at least 5 times a week into my third week, now, and that's a really good place to start! Crazy cardio and healthy eating can come later lol

VC