Freaky Coincidence

I was just looking back at my blog from when I got back from Istanbul to see if I said anything about meeting Murat (having just posted the long Murat post, below). I typically keep anything that even resembles romance off the blog, and of course when I met my last bf I stopped blogging completely, so I was not surprised that nothing about it was there.

What DID surprise me was the post I made about my dream, just after getting back, in which I describe being engaged in a complicated game with a love interest named Robert and my mother remarrying...kind of weird that both are coming true (although my mother is, unfortunately, NOT in Dubai lol).

VC

Murat

[Originally an email that I composed to a few friends, today, at Starbucks in Istanbul and ended up not sending, kind of going back on what I say in paragraph two about soliciting advice!]

I wanted to send a mini update from Istanbul and just let everyone know that I have learned that I won't be able to legally go to Kurdish Iraq in the time that I have on this trip (I could get in with the blessings of the KRG, but it's not the same thing, especially for people staying more than 10 days). Disappointing, but I knew that this trip wouldn't be as seamless as most of my exceptionally well-planned (if break-neck pace) travels, since I did ZERO planing this summer while preparing for the bar. I am going to expand my travels in Southeastern Anatolia to see more of Kurdish Turkey, although I don't really know what this means for the paper I need to submit at the beginning of November on Kurdish identity for the Morocco conference in January.

I was also originally emailing you guys ("you guys" being just a few people, actually, for reasons of this paragraph), because I am totally conflicted about something here in Istanbul and, trying out something new for me, I'm actually soliciting advice! As some of you may know, although I've been to Istanbul five times, now, my very first trip was a trip I made off the cuff to get out of Cairo during my 24th birthday back in February 2006. I had an amazing trip and totally fell in love with Istanbul. The city was cold and almost empty, so I was literally alone, at times, in Aya Sofia and some of the other places I visited, and I also met someone really special who I spent my birthday with.

There was a guy, Murat, who was a lawyer out in a town called Izmit who I met and who, to this day, is one of the few perfect memories I have (along with sleeping on a rainy rooftop in Byblos, Lebanon, eating berries picked by the river in the Hindu Kush in Afghanistan, etc.) -- like, it's a "happy place" I go back to to remind myself that I can be content, trusting etc. (even if I seem to only be capable on vacation, which is another story). Three months after meeting Murat, with whom I had been in touch online through the website where we met and, after that, by text after deleting that online profile, I went to India, left my phone at a party in Delhi, and totally lost Murat. Because I left Cairo right after getting back from India (and because Vodafone Egypt is a MESS), I couldn't get my old phone records from my Egyptian SIM card to get his number, and had long since forgotten his online profile name since we weren't communicating that way anymore. Now, this will sound a little crazy, but every 3 or 4 months since then (3.5 years now!), I go back online and look through all the profiles in Izmit on all the big dating websites and try to find Murat...I have even asked other people if THEY know a Murat, and I've always failed. I think no one knew that lol, so now you know :)

Long story not any shorter: Yesterday I found Murat. Actually, he found me :) And now I'm terrified! I totally don't think he's the love of my life or anything, because I know we don't know each other well, and I also think there are multiple loves we all have, so I'm not viewing this through a "now or never" lense, but I have wanted, for so long, to find him again, and now that I have I'm like...feeling like I don't want to destroy that memory. A lot of this is tied to sense of self-rot a lot of us experience in law school and the feeling like "everything right now is sucky and ruined," which is just kind of a funk I'm in (not depression, but let's say pessimistic and a little negative), in part because of some family drama in California that some of you know about. Part of it is also the fact that there are so few (SO FEW lol) examples I can think of of guys who I've met and just thought were amazing, kind, wonderful people, and who I didn't know long enough to have that impression destroyed by the inevitable flaws we all have. I kind of want to tell him that I'm really busy leaving for Diyarbakir and will try to see him when I'm back (knowing that I won't), but otherwise may have to wait until the Fall when I can make a short trip from London. I'm telling myself that, in that time, I will continue to recuperate from law school and can get a slammin' bod before I come back lol (although he met me post-Afghanistan sedentary hi-security summer/Cairo emotional eating), and also just work on getting back to the positive, shiny person that probably attracted him in the first place. I'm just not at my best now.

[Just decided to not send this email and turn it into a blog entry, so we'll see what happens!]